Wednesday, September 3, 2014

when we fight

I always hate it when we fight, like for real fight not our per usual loud discussions. It doesn't happen very often but when we do I can physically feel both my jaw and chest tightening and my mind swirls with confusion. I hate it. Being at odds with anyone, especially you makes me all kinds a bonkers and sucks the living life right outta me. Thank you for letting me sleep in on a school day and thank you for taking care of the babies and packing Birdie's lunch and getting her off to school without my help. And most of all thank you for the sweet notes throughout the house and especially the ones leading me straight to my tea! You. You sure got me started well today. Thank you Love! 

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

let me breath

i've been holding my breath for the past 14 months...

i miss this, i haven't for nearly two years but now i do. i'm feeling overwhelmed to write again, to share our life, our mistakes and lessons learned. i started blogging a year after we moved to texas and enjoyed it very much for a few years. after we moved away i kept trying at it but it didn't always feel genuine, kinda a bit forced at times. maybe i didn't have much to say, maybe my perspective was off, way off. like many insecure bloggers, i soon focused on how many "followers" i could obtain to validate me instead of being secure in who i was and what i could bring to the internet and subsequently humankind and it quickly drove me mad. so mad that i slowly drifted away from blogging all together without so much as a "hey i'm not going to write anymore". i never intended to stop. life just sorta got crazy and i couldn't keep up. truthfully i've felt discouraged and  n o t  myself for the better part of the last 14 months. its been hard. crazy hard. after years of prayer and agony i finally became a mother; and what i imagined would be a season of celebration in reality became a time of agony, uncertainty and deep insecurity. are they staying are they leaving? will we get to keep the baby? they're mine, no they're not, yes they are and months of waiting. ...i've had to hide and hide my children because in reality they're not mine. not yet. some  most days are too much and have left me discouraged and unmotivated for much else than loving and caring for them.

Monday, March 17, 2014

february photo dump

what we did in february. 

our first family valentines day was celebrated with chocolate chip pancakes. auntie andy & auntie vic sent mama and birdie tulips, our favorite. birdie squealed with delight as soon as we opened the package. to think, someones treasured her enough to send her fresh flowers just because. boy this child is a sucker for the holiday. the morning of i woke her and the first sentences from her mouth were all about valentines day and the parties and cards, on and on she squeaked with excitement. i remember as a child my ma would set out special v-day treats for us girls on the kitchen table the night before. in the morning seeing the table set with gifts and chocolates always made me feel an extra boost of love and appreciation. naturally i feel inclined to recreate the happy experience and tradition with our littles. twas a hit. 

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

thoughts after january court

*this is, i'm sure, out of context to the current theme of our days. we've turned a corner and details of our case are very positive and in our favor. even still i didn't want this essay, written one day after a january court hearing, to get lost. i'd like it to be here to serve as a reminder of how dark some days got during this journey. 

june 25th i became a mother then again on july 17th and once more on december 3rd in the year 2013. within six months we went from no kids to busting at the seams. this ride of motherhood has been all the good i imagined and all the bad i didn't. our children came to us through the state, foster care, and with them has come all the heartache traditionally attached to the system. although our littles have been shielded from some of the horrific specifics so many children in care have come to know as their own, they are not without their scars and sadness. 

we've spent the better part of seven months in family seclusion {w/ the exception instagram} to gel as a unit and build stability for ourselves and our children. its true, stability and foster care are antonyms. we find our groove as a family; building assurance and familiarity for all of us only to be disturbed by the chaos that is "the system" every month. court hearings and meetings with case workers. all are doing the best they can at their jobs and fighting for whats best for these babies. yet it doesn't change the truth that life stops when these events take place and all in our home wrestle through the pain and disturbance long after the meetings have ended. the reality of the nastiness someone else made for these children and subsequently us, is undeniable during these moments. guarding our hearts and the hearts of our loves is such a mighty task. theory told me it would be, but standing in the mess that is somebody elses ugly and committing to bring about beauty is tiering and exhausts my soul. my faith and trust in the God that led us here have been challenged far too many times to count.