Thursday, November 1, 2012

goodbye my magic

ben, a few weeks ago, surprised me with a beautiful bouquet of bistro lights. the house we're currently renting has a beautiful paved fenced in brick backyard with all sorts of flowering bushes that backs against a canal. in the middle of the city in phoenix it's rare to get wildlife and trees. because we're right against the canal there's all sorts of open desert full of trees and wildlife. wild javelina {they've come right up to our fence}, bunnies, birds, snakes, lizards, coyotes. it's a beautiful backyard to sit during the cooler nights this time of year. ben knows how much i adore resting on the patio under twinkling lights so he wanted to give me a little bistro patio feel of my own.

// bexadiary.com



the story of the setting up of the lights is a whole other exciting story in and of itself. perhaps i'll tell you some time. ...after a long day of work we come home drop our bags at the door, use the restroom, and rush to the back porch to plug em in. instantly i'm transported to what i imagine a french patio feels like. literally, the heaviness of the day melts away resting under their soft twinkling glow. we adore them.

it was these beautiful twinkling lights & that perfect canal facing backyard that have ushered me into this very deep sadness i feel today.
// bexadiary.com
tuesday night october 30th was a normal october evening. we're in full swing rehearsals for our church's annual christmas pageant, we'd come home late from a dance practice, exhausted and aching  we plugged in our lights, i allowed the cats, who normally sleep in our garage, in for the night because i missed them and went upstairs to prepare for bed. everything was normal. normally we turn off the lights after a few hours use because their glow is quite bright interfering with normal sleep patterns. we don't want to make enemies out of our neighbors.
but on this night because we were so worn out we slipped into a deep sleep almost instantly upon entering the bedroom. lights were left on and the screen backdoor was left open, my cats were all inside.
Magic // bexadiary.com
i couldn't have been asleep more than 2 hours when i woke up to the bright lights still plugged in. my first thought was where is magic and brinkley? these cats, when they're allowed in for the night are glued to my side, they sleep all over me. that night they were missing. i brushed the thought away thinking they were probably asleep on the couch downstairs. but the lights, they were too bright. i looked at my clock 1:22am, "i should turn off the lights, the neighbors probably can't sleep". so groggily pulled myself from my bed and shuffled downstairs. thats when i saw it, that's when i panicked. the screen door was wide open and magic & brinkley were missing.
Magic // bexadiary.com
my heart was racing, i ran upstairs yelled at ben to wake up, "the backdoor is open and magic & brinkley are gone". we ran outside and under the soft glow of my twinkle lights i franticly yelled into the cold darkness for my magic and brinkley. instantly i felt something was off, this wasn't one of those other times when they sneak out when i'm not looking for five minutes. this is cold october in the middle of the desert and they've been gone for hours.

i yelled for what seemed like minutes with no response. i prayed to hear the soft jingling of their collars. nothing. then, as i shouted for brinkley i heard his meow, a deep scared meow. i called again into the dark, he answered with a deeper cry from the same position. i couldn't see him, i could only hear him and his cry wasn't moving towards me. he was stuck but where? i had a horrific thought he'd been attacked by a coyote and lay helpless crying out but couldn't move.

calling out we ran into the desert with a shining flashlight. then we heard him, from above, high in a tree, brinkley. my sweet scared kitty was high above, stuck. ben skillfully shimmed up it's trunk and carried him down safely into my arms.
Magic // bexadiary.com
i felt relief. we found him and he's safe. then i felt fearful all over again. where is magic? i called out again and again, no answer.
with brinkley safe in my arms we shut the backdoor and retired to bed. i couldn't sleep. all i could think of was magic, where was magic? why was brinkley in a tree?  he never climbs on anything let alone a tree. then i heard it, the howl of a coyote, and i prayed.  

early in the morning we awoke for a walk, in part for exercise in part to find magic. even though i'd heard the howl and even though i knew the odds i still had hope we'd find him. hey, he probably got spooked by something but he's a smart cat he'll run for cover hide it out and be back on our doorstep later on today.

we returned to the tree where we found brinkley. seeing the scene in daylight everything started to make more sense. only five feet from our backyard under the tree we found large paw tracks and a small patch of fur. ben walked another ten feet into some brush and found more, larger patches of fur this time. i recognized it, it was magic's. i'd seen that fur many times wadded up on the floor after a good brushing. it was his. my eyes saw it laying there on the open ground but it still didn't set in. not until today.

now it all makes sense, they escaped the safety of our softly lit backyard & entered the cold dark desert only to face the terror of a hungry coyote. the best we can figure brinkley was startled and climbed the tree to safety and magic, too old and a bit overweight wasn't as quick and coyotes took him.
Magic // bexadiary.com
my magic is gone and i am heartbroken. he was my old man, my favorite. it was my custom when i scooped him in my arms to nuzzle my face behind his soft ears, give him a kiss and whisper "i love you magic, you're the best kitty in the whole world and you're going to live forever". i loved him with such a childlike love it was my way of sorta willing him to never leave me.

we adopted him from some friends shortly after we were married seven years ago. he was a quirky ol cat. he preferred to take sips of my coffee and water straight from the glass. you had to remember to set your cup up high if you were planning on stepping away from it our else you'd return to find him face first in your glass. he owned me that cat. he slept right next to me in a sprawled out spooned position for the past seven years. it's been so quiet around the house without his constant half grumpy meow. i miss burring my face in his soft belly of fur and pressing my ear to his tummy to hear the soothing rhythm of his delighted purr. i miss the way he would bust through the door of whichever room i sat and boss me around with his loud voice until i caved and scratched his cheeks until he drooled. he was our first pet together ben and i and on this long bumpy road of infertility my lonely mothering heart found peace and rest in mothering him. magic didn't mind a bit, in fact he rather indulged in my favoritism towards him.
Magic // bexadiary.com
some might think this is a bit ridiculous going on this way about an animal. but the truth is he wasn't just an animal to me, to me he was a part of our family, the first part and with his passing i feel a part of my heart has passed as well.

i find it a bit sickingly ironic that in the wee hours of october 31st, a day well known for the celebration of magic, on this day my Magic faded. i haven't cried like this in years it seems, the deep spontaneous belly cries that hit you without warning. i know time heals all wounds and he's an animal and not a human being but the shock, pain and grief i feel at this present time is all the same.
Magic // bexadiary.com

it is with a heavy soul that i am forced to say words i forbade myself from saying until now ...goodbye my magic. i will miss you more than i should ol man and you are forever imprinted on my being. gracious this hurts...



44 comments:

  1. :( my heart breaks for you. i'll be praying.

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  2. Oh Bex. I'm crying with you. He was the first cat to ever have my love. The one that pulled me down the path of loving the feline species. Definitely praying for you.

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  3. Oh no, Bex! I am so sorry! Some think it's silly how much people fall in love with thier pets but it's not silly at all. They love us unconditionally & we love them the same. My heart is sad for your loss. :(

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  4. OMG!! I'm so sorry Becky! I could feel your hurt reading this. I am, with no shame, a cat obsessed lady as well. I can't imagine how you felt.

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  5. They are absolutely a part of the family. They are constants. Heart actually breaks a little for you. I love my animals like that too. So sorry..... Big hug

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  6. Becky! I am so sorry! As a fellow animal lover and one who has pets that we have had through our marriage, I can't even imagine!!! Animals are family. So Sorry for your loss. My puppies send kisses and paw high fives to Reese & Brinkley.

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  7. It's not silly, pets are family members. I'm sorry you had to go through this Bex, I hope time and all of your other adorable fur family members heal your heart. <3

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  8. thank you so much Linda I sure need it :(

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  9. He had a way of doing that for every non cat lover who ever met him. Gosh I know he loved your attention. Thank you Beth love you

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  10. Thank you Jenny! It's amazing how empty it feels without him. Ben and I have not known our home without him. Every holiday throughout our Marriage he was present. this whole thing is strange.

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  11. Oh Bex! I'm so so sorry!!! I'm sitting here crying an ugly cry for you. There's nothing I can say to make it better. I'm so terribly sorry for your loss.

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  12. Oh Bex! I'm so so sorry!!! Crying my ugly cry right now. Our fur babies are our family without question! My heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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  13. Omg I'm soooo sorry my sweet friend. My heart aches for you and your family. I couldn't read the whole story without crying .

    XX-Myrna
    Http://mybeatboutique.blogspot.com

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  14. oh geez...not silly at all. im so sorry for your loss. pets do become part of our family. my heart hurts for you :(

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  15. I am coming out of the woodwork to say I am so, so sorry. My heart breaks for your loss. I will be praying for you!

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  16. I am coming out of the woodwork to say I am so, so sorry. My heart breaks for your loss. I will be praying for you!

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  17. I, too, have experienced the loss of a kitty to a coyote. She is still in my heart, every day. My thoughts are with you. Sending hugs over the internet isn't the same, and I know i don't REALLY know you, but man, my heart aches for you today. Stay strong. May Magic watch over you from somewhere peaceful.

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  18. Praying for your sweet heart Bex. I'm so sorry about Magic!

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  19. We lost our cat to coyotes too :(
    I completely understand that Magic is more than just a pet to you. I'm sorry for your loss :(

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  20. Oh no, my heart aches for you. :( I will be praying. I am glad you have all those cute pictures of magic to hold him close in your memories.

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  21. I'm so sorry Bex. A 'pet' is such a small term for the part they play in our families, and I pray for him that he finds peace and so do you. Grieving is absolutely awful, but necessary, and I hope you and Ben can find joy in the memories you do have with him.


    *Thoughts and prayers for you*

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  22. I'm so sorry Bex! I know exactly how you feel as I lost my beloved Cyrus last week. Even though they have 4 legs and a whole bunch of fur they are our babies, our family. I am so glad that Brinkley made it home safe (he looks just like my Cyrus did). I will add Magic and your family in my prayers tonight. Hugs & love to you!

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  23. I'm so sorry Bex! I know exactly how you feel as I lost my beloved Cyrus last week. Even though they have 4 legs and a whole bunch of fur they are our babies, our family. I am so glad that Brinkley made it home safe (he looks just like my Cyrus did). I will add Magic and your family in my prayers tonight. Hugs & love to you!

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  24. So so sorry!! Praying for you today!

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  25. Bex I am so, so sorry for your loss! My heart absolutely aches for you.

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  26. I've been reading your blog for a while now and this is the first time I've commented because your story really hit deeply. I lost my own fur baby this past summer, he was hit by a car near our house. I think about him every time I drive my car, every time I go to bed because he used to love that time of night. That's very brave of you to write about Magic, I have yet to gather up the courage to write about Thomas (a puggle) on my blog, it still hurts and doesn't even feel real that he's gone. I'm so sorry and my prayers are with you.

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  27. I'm so sorry Bex & Ben. It's a very real love and affection. Prayers for you both tonight.

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  28. Kayla FrecklesinAprilNovember 1, 2012 at 7:47 PM

    Oh no! I am so sorry. We lost a kitty to a coyote while I was in high school and I was so horrified. Prayers for you!

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  29. I am so so sorry for your loss. My Jeli is 16 years old, and I would be heartbroken without her. I don't think it's silly at all.

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  30. :( So sorry to hear about poor magic.

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  31. Lissa @ The Looking GlassNovember 2, 2012 at 3:08 PM

    oh, bex! i am so, so sorry. what a difficult loss for you.

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  32. I lost a cat to a coyote a few years ago, a little orange guy named Fritz. Its hard, and my heart goes out to you :(

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  33. I read this post last night and have thought about you so much today, Bex. I'm so sorry about Magic. I've been reading your blog for a few years now and know how much you love your fur babies, so I can only imagine how you are feeling right now. Pets aren't just pets - they ARE members of the family, so of course your heart is heavy.

    Thinking of and praying for you.

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  34. this is not silly at all. i'm so sorry for your loss, bex!

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  35. I am so sorry for your loss. Mine and my husbands first "child" passed away suddenly a year ago on October 30th. The ache hasn't left and for that I am truly sorry b/c I can't tell you the pain will go away but I can tell you it gets easier to deal with when it does come around. My love and thoughts are with you, Ben and the rest of your fur babies.

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  36. goodness, Bex. I',m so sorry you lost your kitty. These precious animals mean so much to us and I'm sorry you are hurting right now.

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  37. a similar situation happened to us: we came home from our bachelor party to our kitty, Bob Dylan, in pieces. our neighbors pit bull jumped the fence and poor bobby d stood no chance. i can completely understand what you are going through. and it will get better (:

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  38. I am so sorry....my heart hurts for you. It is so hard losing a beloved pet...they become part of the family. I'm sorry your are having to hurt from this.

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  39. Oh I'm so very sorry for your loss. :( It is so hard to lose a pet.

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  40. yourfaceislikethesunshineNovember 13, 2012 at 12:24 PM

    oh this made me cry....i'm so so sorry. praying for comfort for you.

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  41. Oh I'm crying. I'm so sorry

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