Tuesday, November 27, 2012

infertility, our beginning & the 1st promise

before we begin you must know that everything i write concerning our infertility is fact. every experience, encounter & emotion really happened. there is no fiction here. it's important that i preface with this because this story has many amazing faith filled supernatural moments, that if they had not happened to me personally i might not believe them myself. truthfully i contemplated not sharing many of these moments for fear of ridicule but my heart tells me that if i am going to share this story then it is most important that i share all of it. however, i'll spare you the real personal stuff because while i am an open book i do have some sense of shame. 

// bexadiary.com


ben and i met and dated in a christian discipleship program in phoenix az. both of us came straight out of high school and opted to lay college aside in order to step into full-time ministry.
we were married february 26, 2005. i was 22 he was 23 and we had nothing but bright hopes and dreams for our future family. like most engaged couples we had the talk concerning children and our hopes. how many do you want? i want four, and so on. however being that we were in full-time ministry with very little income we decided to wait a couple of years before trying to conceive. i tried birth control pills prior to our wedding night but the side effects freaked me out so i quickly got off of them.

we spent the first two years of our marriage on the calendar method using these exact beads to track my most fertile days. white bead days meant we were to keep away from each other to prevent pregnancy. looking back i think to myself, what a waste, why was i trying to prevent something then that i so desperately want now. hindsight is 20/20.

the summer of 2007 we officially decided to "not prevent". because i'm a free thinker romantic and less of a planner i felt more comfortable with the relaxed approach of free loving on my husband and if a baby happened then it happened. one thing i knew i wanted was to not be planning a pregnancy! the very thought of it stiffened me and stressed me out. conceiving a child was such a romantic notion in my mind. i wanted our children to be a result of a celebration or a moment of passion not the calendar and ovulation stick.

we had no clue about making babies other than the obvious. we truly thought ya do it once without protection and boom you’re pregnant! after all that seemed to be how it happened for the majority of our friends. a year went by of not preventing and still no pregnancy, we thought we just needed to try more on purpose, perhaps we needed to plan things out better. kids were something we felt ready for and wanted but we were in no hurry, we were busy working and enjoying our lives, a baby was most welcome to join us but we were okay with where our lives were at without one. we were at peace ...for a time.

but there was always this nasty fleeting thought that would drift in and out of my mind, what if something’s broken, what if i don't work right? it drifted, but it never landed. it was one of those thoughts you quickly dismiss because certainly that couldn't be the case and besides we have plenty of time to be worrying about such things. i never spoke that thought out loud until after i had an encounter that forever changed my heart.

december 2008, 3 1/2 years into our marriage 1 1/2 years into trying to conceive ben and i lead a team of students to a well known minister's ministry for some Christmas services. i had some reservations about this particular individual & their ministry based on rumors i'd heard and my own judgmental ways. once we arrived and spent the shortest amount of time in their presence i knew my reservations could be put aside. while my taste and way of doing things may look differently than theirs i found their hearts and spirits to be more genuine and faith filled than i'd expected.

it was during a worship service at this particular place that i had an encounter with God that has forever changed my perspective on my future entrance into motherhood. the preacher gave a short message, of what i cannot tell you, i wasn't paying much attention to be honest. my mind was too occupied with skepticism towards this particular person, i remember thinking, is this guy for real? God do you really move through this person or is this all for show? are these people really encountering your presence and experiencing life change? how real can all of this be, i mean really?!  at the end of his message the minister gave an opportunity for people to come forward for prayer should they have any needs. i sat in my chair for a while watching other people walk to the front of the room and be prayed for. some responded with tears others did not. however it appeared to me, from the safety and comfort zone of my seat, that people were genuinely experiencing something supernatural. i wanted to go to the front, i wanted to be prayed for too, if God was changing hearts and encouraging people through simple prayers then i wanted in on it.

i remember walking forward hesitantly, wondering what others would think of me, hoping and praying that i could get a bit of encouragement in a gentle way without a spectacle taking place. i just wanted to hear God speak to me in a real way, i was desperate for Him, not a show or spectacle manufactured by people. i wasn't sure what to expect. honestly i thought i'd get someone to pray for me a simple generic prayer, i did not expect what would come next.

as i stood in line for prayer a women approached me and began to pray with me. as she prayed i began to feel the rough skeptical judgmental layers of my heart begin to soften and fade away. i began to feel the warmth and sweetness of the love of God. then she stopped her prayer and paused for a moment. she was quiet as if something had interrupted her thoughts, then she spoke. almost hesitantly and very tenderly she whispered into my ears "i don't know if this makes any sense to you but i feel like God wants you to know the baby thing is under control, nothing is broken, everything works fine, the baby thing is under control." she just kept repeating "the baby thing is under control" to her it probably seemed a bit strange, personal and presumptuous a thing to say to a woman she didn't know. what she was unaware of was that God almighty used her prayers to speak a powerful word of encouragement to a dark area of my heart that had never before been vocalized.

there is no way in this world that woman would have known that i was struggling with wondering if i was ever going to be a mother. she didn't overhear me talking about it and manipulate a prayer to make me feel good. i never spoke those words out loud. EVER!! what just happened was an unexplainable miracle. that miraculous moment stopped me dead in my tracks and turned my attention to the heavens. God was listening to my inner thoughts and fears and chose to reach down and encourage me that day. moments like that don’t happen that often but when they do one would be wise to pay attention. if God said he had the baby thing under control in my life then i would allow myself to rest and wait and see how my baby would come to be.

this December it will have been four years since that prayer. over that span of time there have been sooo many experiences, some just as miraculous as the one above but most have been gut wrenching and very real. honestly i've questioned the above moment over and over again throughout all of this. we've encountered a lot of testing and seen many doctors over this past year that has, at times, had me doubting the first promise. ben and i find ourselves on a path very much unexpected. we didn't plan to be married nearly eight years and still be childless but we trust in the God that keeps his word. i'm very much aware how contradictory this story seems coming from a woman who has yet to birth any children. all i know is to trust in what  my heart felt that day and confess what i have experienced. when God gives you a promise you hold on tight and believe what he said to be true. today my arms are still empty but my heart is full, full of a promise, that in the proper timing i will hold my own babies.

this whole process is so vulnerable i am opening up the deepest most sensitive part of my heart to possible cynicism. it is my purpose to share our journey through infertility just as it happens, nothing more nothing less. i stand to gain nothing from sharing other than possibly encouraging other couples walking through similar circumstances.

36 comments:

  1. Beautiful, Becky Jo. :)
    Keep holding on. *Praying for you.*

    ReplyDelete
  2. My husband always tells me that when life isn't going your way, tell your story like it's part of your testimony. That's what you've done. Thank you for taking your pain and giving it hope! You've been an encouragement to me, and I'm sure many others!

    ReplyDelete
  3. this is so touching. my husband and i have been married almost 3 years and although we aren't planning to stop preventing pregnancy for another year or two, my obgyn has already told me i have a long road ahead of me with PCOS. I so desperately want to have a child and it's hard but i know i have to trust what the Lord's plan is for our life and our family. Adoption has always been apart of our plan so that is an option, but we also hope to have at least one biological child - although we haven't started trying yet, i feel like i can connect with what you're saying. best of luck to you and your husband and I know in my heart that God has a plan.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you for sharing Bex. God is raw and real and it's best to share him that way. I appreciate the fact that you didn't edit this story to fit what others might want or think. Your story is YOUR story and it's beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thanks for sharing your story! Its amazing how God works. He has it all planned. Sending prayers to you and your husband! :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. I just love how brave you are & have been! God gave you that promise & it will come to pass! Hang in there friend....your time is coming & it will only be that much better for trusting in HIM! Love you! xxoo

    ReplyDelete
  7. Lissa @ The Looking GlassNovember 27, 2012 at 7:39 PM

    thank you for sharing this. you have a beautiful soul and the Lord is so faithful.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I think it is so brave of you to share this post. I truly see only strength in you. I've been thinking a lot lately what it means to be brave. I even looked it up in the dictionary :) well the dictionary talks about fearlessness. I've decided I don't think that's true. I think it's about enduring, persevering and facing your fears. It's about doing things that are hard and not letting them get the best of you. I'm positive that it was hard to share this post and there may be a few jerks out there who send you a negative note. Ignore them! I truly believe that in our moments of weakness and fear and longing, when we get up and keep going and keep living and doing, that's when we are being most brave.

    xo



    positivelymessy.blogspot.ca

    ReplyDelete
  9. As a Christian, as well as someone who has been trying to conceive for 8+ years (married 11 years), your post, your words and your honesty and faith are just what I needed. Thank you for sharing and I pray we both experience motherhood in the Lord's time!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Thank you for sharing And pouring out your heart. God is so FAITHFUL. Im so thankful that He is the solid rock we can stand on.

    ReplyDelete
  11. bless you for sharing this.... nice to know I'm not the only one... and who also believes god knows what hes doing

    ReplyDelete
  12. I have chills!! Thanks so much for sharing this. Oh what a celebration there will be when He says it is time...!

    ReplyDelete
  13. This is an amazing story. What a great gift God has presented you with by having that moment. Wow. I am praying for you, I know many people that are struggling with infertility and working through concerns of fertility because of what their mothers encountered. I know you have heard so many, "my friend" stories so I will save you mine, but I will send up prayers for you. Nothing is more powerful. You are facing something face-on, raw, vulnerable, you are living. I am happy for you guys in that sense, because a lot of people don't experience a God like that, but you are doing it and I hope that God has a baby for you soon. Your blog is awesome and so encouraging, I hope my words are encouraging for you.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I have been so looking forward to your next post. Not only is it faith-building in to read your testimonies but its quite exciting to start believing with you. Blessed to know you. Thank you for your faith, really. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  15. My husband and I also struggle with infertility... You got married just 2 months before us! I found your blog through my sister Laura Nalley who was in your group when she went to Master Commission USA in Phoenix a couple years back! You can find my infertility story here- http://www.thelifeofanotsoordinarywife.com/2012/02/infertility-it-scary-word.html Your blog is adorable and I will definitely be following from now on!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Thank God for his promises, you'll have your baby at perfect time. It's crazy how similar our stories are Becky. I found that time of waiting one of the hardest. God had answered prayers before but for some reason as time went on standing in faith for a baby became monumental! I felt so many times filled with doubt and questioned his promise. It felt like it was all I thought about. I learned a lot about myself and about truly trusting God. I'll never forget service I was at and thought that's it enough is enough is going to happen this month. Preacher spoke something that really struck me and I know God was speaking to me. I look back and it was nothing I did, it was all God. We were married 7years when I had Matthew. But I will never forget the negative tests and my heart so disappointed. Feeling like every time I would get my hopes up. Thanks for sharing, I believe your time is coming. You are very brave I don't know if I would of been able to be so open and honest.

    ReplyDelete
  17. You are very brave to share your story and should feel good that you have! There is real power in sharing our life stories. I whole heartedly believe that God does know our struggles, pains, sorrows, desires, etc. and that He anxiously wants to reach out to us either through prayer, personal inspiration, or the actions of others inspired by Him. Thank you for sharing your story and in turn reach out to others who are seeking comfort-you are being an instrument in God's hands :)

    sydishlife.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  18. I'm so glad you are sharing your story! I know it will encourage many struggling with infertility. Honestly, it has encouraged me and reminded me to rest in the Lord in all things. He always has things under control. Why do we have a hard time remembering that? :) I am so glad that you are sharing what God is doing in your life and how he is working in your heart. I love that you are being honest about your experiences with God. He is truly miraculous and I believe with you that he sent that woman to pray over you so that you could hear His voice through her. When God does give you the baby you desire, you will have quiet a testimony of faith to share with him or her and your child will forever be blessed by having such Godly parents.

    ReplyDelete
  19. The Lord speaks to us in different ways, through a still small voice, through another person, through situations, through His word and so many others. Husband and I have struggled with infertility for the past 6 years. A couple years ago during a sermon about Mary being told she was with child I felt like the Lord was speaking to me. He told me that just as he could have a virgin bear His Son He could give me a child. We have yet to conceive but we are in the process of adopting. When we were meeting with the director of the adoption agency she told me that this was not God's plan B, it was His plan A. This doesn't mean we won't conceive some day but I really felt like God was telling me through her that He was fulfilling His promise through adoption. He has blessed us financially to help make the adoption process affordable. His promises do not fail. Hold on to your promise. He will deliver!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Thank you for being so open and for sharing here. It not only give you space to help others but gives those who know you through here the opportunity to pray. Even the women in the Bible that God proclaimed would be mothers at times did not believe or laughed and God blessed them as he said he would. Sweet girl I pray God full abundance over you. I pray for that child that the angles now dance over. Your babies when they come will do big things and they will know that their Mama and Daddy-O prayed and desired them, and many others prayed for them before they were a twinkle. Blessings.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Emily Swenson DavisNovember 28, 2012 at 9:05 AM

    Your faith is inspiring! Thank you for sharing your heart.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I have been enjoying your blog for quite some time, but I just had to comment on this post. I cannot imagine the vulnerability it took you to share this. Thank you. God Bless!

    ReplyDelete
  23. hi bex - i know we don't know each other, but i do read your blog often, and i just wanted to reach across the interwebs and tell you that this was so beautiful. i so admire your courage to share it. i had a moment not unlike yours when god spoke through a stranger to address some very real fears in my heart. just like you, he hasn't worked all of it out yet, but i do trust that he is working! what a deeply personal, deeply loving god we follow. he always keeps his promises! your unexpected journey will be in my prayers, all the way up here in chicago!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Ben and Becky,


    Thank you for sharing what you are experiencing. We are praying for you, that you would know the power of His love and presence in the midst of the unknown, and that you would rest in His faithful promise that He is with you in everything.


    We understand what you are feeling. We love you guys.



    TJ & Karen

    ReplyDelete
  25. Thank you Tj & Karen we so appreciate you both and your prayers. We were just talking about you both and Chia the other day. He had an Indian Missionary speak at our church last Sunday. Miss you and hope to see you someday soon.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I just would like you to know that I will be praying for you both in this time of waiting on Him.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Thanks for sharing. I believe God answers our prayers in numerous ways. Through thoughts, feelings, the scriptures, and other people. What an amazing experience!! I'm confident everything will work out. Thank you for sharing your beautiful, intimate story.

    ReplyDelete
  28. love your sense :-) hope you ll flw us back

    ReplyDelete
  29. I want to personally thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this story. It is absolutely inspirational, and I believe God had me read this today. I am currently going through a period where I am solely depending on the promises God has given me. But, it can be so difficult when you don't see any results or any signs that the promise is taking place. But, I suppose that what faith is all about. Thank you, Thank you! I will be praying for you!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Thank you SO much for sharing. I, too, worry about being broken. My husband and I have been taking the casual approach to "trying" since we got married a year and a half ago. Some days it feels like every person you talk to asks "no babies yet? When are you having kids?" I have to force myself not to cry when I hear of this or that person being pregnant or when I see pictures of those new babies. It makes it even tougher because my husband works away from home and we are only together one or two weekends a month on average. One thing this is teaching me? Don't ask people about when they're having babies because it might just break their heart.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Wow I'm in tears! I have been TTC for two years now. Some days are tough and some days I just say, "this is gods plan". It is very comforting to know that other women are dealing with this. I sometimes find myself mad at God. Made because I see these 16year old having babies and are not ready for a child. Then I feel Ashamed for being mad at him.

    Bed thank you for sharing your story... it has given me hope.

    Jackie

    ReplyDelete
  32. Awesome post! And I love your blog:)
    Follow each other?:)


    http://theprintedsea.blogspot.de/

    ReplyDelete
  33. Camryn Stahlman-DwyerDecember 9, 2012 at 3:02 PM

    This is so beautiful. Even seeing some of the comments below your faith and honesty are touching hearts. The Lord is using you even now. Thank you for sharing!

    xx

    http://thepocketbookblogg.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  34. I went down the same path that you are traveling. I feel your pain and hearatache and know exactly the roller coaster ride your on. I will pray for you as you and your husband go on this journey together. It is very hard and painful at times. You will touch so many women by sharing your story. God's timing will perfect and when you become a Mother it will be at the exact right time.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Hi- I just found your blog through pinterest yesterday. After reading two posts- I was hooked. I have been reading your story for at least an hour this afternoon, and I so admire how genuine you are. It's so encouraging to find someone who is willing to be so transparent, sharing the hard parts of life, and still choosing to find joy in the Lord. I am looking forward to reading about the day you finally hold your baby and plan to rejoice for you and your husband when that time comes! Thank you for sharing!

    ReplyDelete