Sunday, January 27, 2013

so, not then?

so it continues. disappointment. the kind that comes with infertility.

we expected to hear back from the agency about our ability to work with them this monday. as it turns out our intake worker met with the committee early. on a cozy rainy saturday afternoon sitting in the window of a Starbucks we read an email. the kind we weren't expecting. it was the kind of blah, blah, blah stating that while we are a fantastic couple, at this time the age range we requested is far too narrow for the agency. there are too many couples currently working with the agency waiting for babies within our age range.

yuck. a whole lotta yuck.

to say it was a blow to our spirits would be fair. we were convinced that we would be working with this agency. i mean how could they not want to pick us? don't they know how great we are?

as ben read the email aloud my heart sank. i could literally feel a jolt in my core and for a few brief moments i embraced the deep crushing disappointment that begged to be held. in my immediate hurt i sharply threw things out like, "where is God in all this?", "was i fasting wrong" ,"are we even supposed to have kids", "why do we keep facing such disappointment", i felt sorry for myself, incredibly sorry. then i'd had it. enough! i'm sick and tired of the emotional rollercoster infertility has had me on and this time i was choosing to get off.

// bexadiary.com



fine. if this agency doesn't see us working with them as something they are able to do then okay. but i wasn't going to allow it to ruin the rest of my day. so, it's not what we were expecting to hear. so, we didn't get a yes and get to begin the long process of classes & certification right away. so, this is the door that God was closing so He can open a new one.

with determination and as much will as i could muster i bravely stood up from that window coffee bar stool and verbally declared that this was not going to ruin our day. we're at the mall and i have some shopping to do and gosh darn it we're going to have fun doing it! what? ...what else are you supposed to say after something like that? life goes on. we'll start over with another agency. but inside my heart was incredibly irritated and bummed.

shortly after the email ben text two of our very best friends. they themselves have walked the road of adoption and have faced the disappointments that go along with it. instantly the phone rang and there they were waiting to hear our ache and speak life back into our weary hearts. with their encouragement and the spirit of grace with which they spoke, i could feel the warmth of the Holy Spirit breath hope, strength & joy on my dry bones. we cried, we laughed, we prayed. right there in front of the body butter section of the Body Shop. with tears streaming down my face, i had a moment with the Lord that gave me the will to start over.

// bexadiary.com

i felt an impulse to quietly snap a picture of ben as he spoke to our friends. {ironicly he did the same} for some reason i felt it important to document the pain of the disappointment because one day we'll forget it. the pain of lack will disappear. it won't always be like this. there will come a day, soon, that we will no longer hold them in our hearts, only, but with our arms. our arms will be full. soon.

16 comments:

  1. Bex, I'm soooo sorry you guys are having to go through another disappointment. You guys are an amazing couple and any child would be lucky and blessed to call you guys mom and dad! God keeps his promises, and like you said this just means he will be opening another door that is that much better! Your an inspiration and I love how your finding the positive and good in all your heartache! I will continue to pray for you guys. Love you!!

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  2. Bex. I'm so sorry for this bump in the road. I admire your strength and attitude not to let this ruin the rest of your day! Saying a little prayer for you guys.

    xo

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  3. Hang in there! My sister-in-law has gone through a very similar story. Once they decided to adopt and completed all the paper work, and after a bunch of roller coaster of emotions and leads, within a year they were contacted and they just finalized their adoption! They adopted 2 year old twins in Arizona. It is a long and stressful road, but so worth it in the end. You will grow tremendously and your heart will be that much fuller when the time comes for your prayers to be answered. Our time is not God's time and our ways are not His ways. He has a plan for each of us. Maybe your little one isn't born yet and you'll just have to wait for the right time. Thoughts and prayers your way...

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  4. Bex, I'm so sorry for this disappointment. But, as I see it, you're meant to find something (someone?) better elsewhere. It will happen. You both will make amazing parents. Keep your head up!

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  5. Bex, no one can understand exactly the pain you are experiencing, but my heart goes out to you as another infertile who has found God's path for my family through adoption. It is really hard, and I'm sorry your heart got broken/discouraged a bit today. Feeling like God's plan for you is inaccessible because when you try to go down the path you think is right and then the door closes is super confusing and frustrating. I know you'll find your family, as I've found 1 (maybe 2 soon) pieces of mine. Adoption coupled with infertility can be so hard at times, but every single one of my heartaches has been made up through God's love and graces and now I get to see them through my little girl every single day. Today it was raisins in my hair at church. Motherhood happened for me, and I realize that maybe little comfort right at this moment because your heart is crying a bit, but I know it will happen for you and your family, too! Wait upon the Lord, and all my sincerest heart-felt love and wishes to you and yours today!

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  6. This just broke my heart, because I can see how badly you both want to be parents. It's great to know that you have a support system and friends who understand the pain that you are feeling. Keep trusting in God's plan and allowing the Holy Spirit to breath new life into you each morning.

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  7. I'm believing this with you Bex. Your arms will be full.

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  8. I love hearing about adoption stories. Thank you for briefly sharing yours. It gives me joy to think of where i'll be a year from now. Hopefully with raisins in my hair too ;)

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  9. Thank you, I would love some information on that!

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  10. I love that, what an amazing story. What fulfillment your sister in law must feel on the other side of it.

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  11. Lissa @ Looking GlassJanuary 30, 2013 at 6:47 AM

    oh bex. my heart breaks for you with all of these ups and downs. you and ben were made to be parents. your time is coming. thank you for sharing your story.

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  12. And boy, oh boy...won't it all be worth it in the end? I cling to that hope (http://runningwilder.com/an-open-christmas-letter-2011/). I pray both our arms are filled soon and our hearts remain hopeful in HIS PROMISE until that day. Blessings to you and Ben.

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  13. caitlinandcampbell.blogspot.coFebruary 26, 2013 at 10:13 PM

    This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing this journey, the whole journey, with us.

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  14. Some day you will indeed forget the pain and disappointment (it is your labor and its a hard back labor). As an adoptive mom I want to encourage you to keep the faith. Being a parent is the greatest ride of all time and your time will come sooner than later. Then, none of this will even matter. God Bless you!

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