my oh my! april 11th came and it came with a bang! as you know, or if you don't you soon will, the 11th was our first of ten classes to become licensed foster parents and certified to adopt. ben and i waited for many, many months with great anticipation for this day. i imagined it, as most women do, to be an exciting day from the moment i awoke until i lay my head on the pillow that evening. ...it turned out very different than i imagined.
i don't know where you stand when it comes to faith and God and having a divine purpose for your life but i believe in all three and know them to be very real. it is with this knowledge that i say the following paragraphs. as you read know that if you were to hear my speaking i would say these sentences with the most respected and casual tone. no drama, or as little as i could manage. i am a spiritual person but when it comes to spiritual matters, while i believe wholeheartedly in the spiritual world and believe we fight against the unseen on a daily basis, i try to be as grounded and humble as possible. i do try to not be such an overly spiritual person that i become un-relatable to the world around me. the bible says christians are to be "mysterious people" not "weirdoes" but "salt and light". in other words christians should be attractive in our behaviors and characteristics to the world around us yet respectfully peculiar. not for trying to be different for different sake but by how we live because the God we put our trust in is a mysterious one and calls us to live differently than the traditions of this world.
i have heard it said over and over again that when one has a great determination to do what is good, just and in line with the heart of God a great opposition from the enemy of our souls is to be expected, anticipated even. most of my christian life i've spent afraid to step out, and do with confidence, what is right because of that statement. who would want to be a target for opposition? however, i've never known it to be more true than it was thursday.
ben and i awoke thursday morning and were immediately at odds with each other. i won't go into details because it is a very intimate and private matter but from 7:30am to 12:30pm we were in an all out gut wrenching fight. the kind of fight that has the power to change the relationship forever, most definitely the most trying battle of our near ten year relationship. typing it this way makes it sound dramatic, but it was, dramatic. the fight came out of nowhere and was of a nature unlike either of us. it was as if hell opened up and vomited it's most despicable emotional filth all over our relationship. "what was happening"?! why on a day like today? a day that we looked forward to with such joy and excitement. in the moments of battling for peace with my husband i questioned, seriously, if we should even go through with the classes that evening. "forget it we're not doing this" i thought.
eventually, we very slowly and painfully, came to a resolve, apologized and prayed together. okay, i thought, we're good. we may be a bit bruised emotionally and some wounds are festering with puss and grit, but that will heal. of course we will attend our classes, of course we will because the McLennan's say no to the face of "quit". we won't let
a lot a little opposition from our enemy stop us from accomplishing our hearts desire.
soon after our resolve ben and i had the privilege to babysit our "niece", the daughter of two of our very dear friends. oh it was a very relaxing experience. upon entering their home we laid the sleepy babe down for a nap. with the chaos of the morning behind us and the stillness and peace of their home in front of us our tired and exhausted bodies were lulled to rest and we slept. nothing can possibly feel as good to the soul as a quiet peaceful sleep after an emotional experience. upon awakening we had snack time, play time, read a few books. all the while i thought of our approaching class and how in a few short months the activities i presently found myself in the midst of would most definitely be my own reality. how amazing, how terrifying. as the time drew near for our pass off of baby to her grandmother and the beginning of our class approached, we saw no signs of it actually happening. we were to pass baby off at five pm because our class began at six. we were still a thirty minute drive away. five o'clock came and went, no grandma. five fifteen, still no sign of a pass off, we called her over and over, no answer. five twenty five pm and i began to panic, i mean full. on. capital P-anic.
staring out the window franticly awaiting the sight of her car my heart pounded in my chest "this isn't going to happen, we're going to miss our class! all of today must have been some giant warning sign that we were heading down the wrong road, we're not meant to be parents, God must be trying to stop us from going"...dramatic much?! who was the star of the drama club in high school?!!! proudly raises hand here.
five thirty i shot ben one of my this is serious and we need a back up plan STAT looks. he's learned never to make light of those. immediately he made some calls and arranged a pick up. we would pack baby up in our car drive thirty minutes to our class, ben's dad would meet us in his car, we'd switch vehicles so not to disturb the car seat, those buggers are awful, and take baby back to her house where hopefully her grandmother awaited. so, at five thirty we loaded up and quickly drove in rush hour traffic to make our class, fingers crossed. magically at five forty seven we received a call from baby's grandmother that she was in the parking lot of wal-mart some five minutes behind us. ugh! we're sooo late, i'm in full on freakout mode at this point. being late to an event brings out the crazy panic attack panic in me. poor grandma didn't know we were under time constraints, i completely understand, but in the moment all i could focus on was how this day had turned out to be everything i thought it wouldn't. this day was supposed to be like Christmas, peaceful, calm and exciting. instead i felt like a contestant on the amazing race.
five fifty five pm we pulled up to the church where our classes were being held and walked around for five minutes trying to locate the darn class! six o'clock, class time and the class room is nowhere to be found. finally, we find it and wouldn't you know it we're the last ones to walk in! the small children's nursery made over into a make shift class room for adults is full and everyone is seated and already half way through finishing the free pizza dinner. the host takes one look at ben and i and without skipping a beat says "oh, we weren't expecting you". WHAT!!??? ben, didn't you RSVP?! we're late, the last ones in the room, everyone else is seated in an awkward quiet eating their semi warm pizza and crudeta and then we're spotlighted even more with the awkward sentence "we weren't expecting you". could this day play into my insecurities any more?!
apparently there was some mix up and she thought we were another couple who called and canceled their desire to go through with the classes. the mix up was quickly addressed and the other host spoke to me about the misunderstanding.
there we were, we made it! despite the previous hellish chaos of the day there we sat, right where we were supposed to be sitting. the class turned out to be a wonderful experience, our licensing team is amazing and we love our agency. i'm certain we'll have a great time. awkward and rough moments are ahead of us i am sure but we are looking forward to the remainder of the classes.
as we pulled into our driveway that night i had an ah-hah moment. the day ben and i had just experienced was no doubt a trying one for us. also, the timing of this trying day i'm convinced is no coincidence. our family, ben and i, have been in an all out battle towards parenthood for many years now. God, in His grace has lead us to adopt, it is His heart, His will. God's heart is for adoption. it is no wonder we experienced such a mad amount of chaotic non self inflicted opposition. we made a decision to walk this road, follow where God would lead us. i fully believe our lives will be used to do a lot of good for many people through this journey. of course the day that would start us off on said journey we would be opposed by unseen forces. of course, because he comes to steal, kill and destroy all that is good and meant for good. ...forces, if they had a face i imagine would look something like this.
how did i go all day without seeing it this way? we were on the right road all along! lesson learned, when experiencing opposition in route to doing what you know you should, take a moment to step aside and reassess your position. if you're where you should be keep on moving toward your target and allow no casualties. easier said than done but possible none the less.
....here's to the next post which should be less dramatic. let's laugh about this one shall we? Lord knows i already have!